Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Dear Person Who Stole My Bike from behind the Toronto Humane Society this Evening

You're welcome.  

Exhibit A: my lovely, stolen, Trek mountain bike
I pumped up the tires this morning - the flatproof tires, to ensure your speedy getaway - so you won't have to worry about that for a little while.  The recently purchased anatomically-correct butt-seat will make sure that your privates never get sore (though I hope you fall off a couple of times while you work on getting your balance).  I just put the folding basket on a few weeks ago, it's barely broken-in.  I also just put the silver coffee cup holder on the handlebars, so you'll be able to enjoy a nice cuppa while you zip around on stolen property.  I hope you enjoy my bike; I worked hard on it and really loved it a lot.

Exhibit B: the recently added butt-seat, for private-part comfort
I have to say, you have impressed me.  I think that if bike stealing were an Olympic event you'd be a favourite for the gold medal.  There was at most a five minute window in which to steal my bike from beside the back door that I was (and other volunteers were) taking dogs in and out of and that is right beside the spot where all the staff take their smoke breaks.  I'm impressed indeed - you must be a very speedy bike stealer.  I'm surprised I didn't see you, and wonder if I did see you but thought you were just another person come to investigate adopting an animal.  Couldn't be more wrong on that front, could I?  How did you even find my bike, tucked in beside the door?  You are brazen, I'll give you that.

Exhibit C: depression dinner (the emotion, not the economic phenomenon)
Thank you, as well, for reminding me that people can be really shitty sometimes.  Thanks for taking me down a few pegs, letting me know that I'm not special or different - I'm just another anonymous person that has stuff you want to steal.  Thanks for reminding me too that my bike is just an object, totally meaningless to the casual observer, and that it only holds special meaning for me.   Thanks for making me walk home tonight so that I can sit here now, with Kraft dinner cooking in the pot (sorry Drew) and rain pounding outside feeling really lucky that I made it home dry.

I hope you get a soaker.

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