Saturday, May 7, 2011

The Yupster

This was our topic of conversation last night, as we hung out at the very-hipster 'Ossington' bar on Ossington Ave.   The first indication that this is a Hipster bar, for the untrained eye out there, is the name designed to produce confusion in the person who's never been to Ossington (the bar) before (and produce subsequent annoyance in same person after an exchange like this: "ok, where on ossington are you going?"  "ossington"  "yeah, i got that, but which bar"  "it's CALLED OSSINGTON, on ossington *eyeroll*"  "FURY!").  In the world of Hipsters, there are cool, 'authentic' people who hang out in cool, 'authentic' (read: divey) places and listen to indie bands, and then there's everyone else.  By having to ask where on Ossington (and outing yourself as not knowing this stupid bar already) you make it clear that you are not a cool and/or authentic person.

The second indication, by the way, was the unusually high concentration of birth-control-glasses clad faces in the crowd.

Anyway, these and other such observations lead to the philosophical question, "what makes a person count as a Hipster."  I was prepared for this question, knowing a few Hipsters and somehow teetering on the edge of Hipsterdom myself (depending on who you ask).  So I compiled a short list of sufficient conditions.

Basic Requirements for being a Hipster (by Kate - none of which apply to me):
1. You have a trust fund and this is your only source of income
2. You shun basic hygiene
3. You wear plastic glasses/sunglasses from the '80s (aka birth control glasses)
4. You drink PBR almost exclusively
5. You only listen to bands that no one else has ever heard of and you stop liking them once other people start liking them because this indicates that they're no longer 'authentic' (aka they've sold out)

The resulting conversation from this list lead to a communal pondering of the opposite species of social human form: the Yuppie.  My friend, Amanda, having recently dabbled in Yuppiedom for a while, was able to quickly compile a short list for us of sufficient conditions.

Basic Requirements for being a Yuppie (by Amanda - none of which apply to her):
1. You put in a 60 hour work week, minimum
2. You own a condo
3. You drive a very small car that is 'trendy', such as a Mini or a SmartCar
4. You have closets in your condo the size of kitchen cupboards
5. You rarely, if ever, go south of Bloor for social events

So what do you get if you cross a Hipster with a Yuppie?  The Yupster.


This person has a trust fund but got a high-pressure job right out of university, possibly through a parental connection.  They shun hygiene as much as possible, and prefer to spend the soap money on the condo fees.  A slicked-back 'do hides all that extra hair grease.  Besides, such unnecessarily Bourgeois purchases as face-wash and shampoo would take up too much of the very limited closet space.  When the Yupster rips around in his or her Mini with the top down, he or she can be observed to be wearing plastic glasses with absolutely no UV protection whatsoever.  This person always has one small closet full of PBR, in case they decline to entertain and need to spend a night drinking alone, listening to the newest band that they read about in Pitchfork.  They never go south of Bloor, it's far too unauthentic.  The south side of Bloor is far enough south for them; Three Speed is the best bar in the whole entire city.

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